Insomnia…

It’s one of those things that in itself isn’t inherently a bad thing.   It’s not the insomnia itself that breads that feeling of angst, the dread or anxiety.  Insomnia, well, it can be counted as a blessing in some circles.  I know, for myself, I’ve done some of my best work in the middle of the night.  You know, those 3 AM moments of Zen where you come to realizations.

Instantly what’s called to mind is the fond memories of Monsieur Meursault, in The Stranger.  I remember the profound liberation experienced by Meursault, a man who didn’t fit in with the world.  A man who, accepted his destiny, in that he was responsible for his actions because of free will.  The consequences of his actions, immoral, moral, or amoral, but those consequences were his own. 

"As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself up to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself - so like a brother, really - I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate."

Albert Camus (L'etranger), Part 2, Chapter 5, pg. 122-3

Going full circle, the dread and angst of Anxiety is not of the experience itself, but of the anticipation of the feeling physically poor.  Well, ultimately, it is a double edged sword.  Why at the same time there are those negative repercussions, I, once again, cherish the night.  The silence, the stillness, the ability to walk outside and look up at the stars.  It was during these periods I wrote my master’s thesis, many a paper, a publication and even these entries that no one reads.  Moreover, it’s only during the cold winters night that in all of my travel’s I have been able to look up at the night sky and see my old companion Orion.  No matter what is going on in my life, the world, I’ve always taken comfort in looking up and seeing that constellation.  I remember a trip through IL, the cold darkness of night, miles and miles of literally nothing.  It was something out of a bad horror film.  I was driving my red accord, 84, it was a tank.  I rolled down my window and it was probably about 2 or 3 AM.  I looked up and, because there was very little city light I could see so many stars.  It was Orion that stood out, my traveling companion. There was no need to worry, no need to fret, no need to well…anything, as at that singular moment everyone who I cared about and/or cared about me was under that same sky, overlooked by those same stars. 

Anyway, the blessing and the curse… I wouldn’t give up the curse for anything (though I might be groggy for the first half of the day)!

See you tomorrow.

All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again…